Generally speaking, Empathy Maps are helpful to understand additional perspectives, but for many of us, it is difficult to be empathetic in the moment. Especially when we disagree with someone.
We can't really grab our post-its, take a bunch of time to process and think, yet we know that demonstrating empathy is important to collaboration and progress. To show empathy while we're in a discussion with a partner, we need more than just post-its.
The Imago Relationship Theory provides one approach to practice transforming a conflict into an opportunity through a dialogue script. The theory originates and is primarily for couples in relationships. I'm going to assume you're not in a romantic relationship with your colleague, but like any theory, there are some very practical and applicable ways we can reuse what works in similar situations.
The Imago Dialogue Script
As a professional, you might be trying to learn how to communicate better under stress rather than get heated, quiet, or argue and consequently, make little progress. The Imago Dialogue Script is an active exchange between a Receiver (person listening) and a Sender (the person talking.)
One of the primary benefits of starting with a script is it teaches you to SLOW DOWN in during a conversation, ensuring that you're listening first before replying.
Here's the step-by-step script:
- Mirror what you've heard: Listen to your partner without distorting their thoughts and feelings. Respond with phrases like “what I’m hearing you say…” or "let me see if I got you"
- Validate your colleague: Validate and understand your partner’s truth. Respond with phrases like “That makes sense to me because… I've heard you say this before... this is one of your main objectives this year... I can see how it's relevant for our team.”
- Demonstrate empathy: Empathize with their expressed feelings. Respond with phrases like “I imagine you’re feeling…”
- Ask for a small behavior change: Once you've completed steps 1-3, you can ask a small behavior change request to meet their needs. Respond with phrases like “This is really helpful. What would help me help you is…”
Your colleague does not have to accept your request for change, because everyone has the basic human right to disagree. But, if this happens, I want you to know that you've done the hard work to ensure your colleague is seen and heard.
You've done a good job communicating if you're actively listening.
